Psychotherapy is About Feeling Better

a colleague and I were discussing how psychotherapy is about feeling better, that is to say, feeling our feelings better…

People come to psychotherapy to feel better, but psychotherapy is about becoming better at feeling.

Some feelings emerge out of ideas, assumptions, or beliefs we hold about ourselves, about others, about the world. These beliefs we hold carry feelings. But it is a muddle, as feelings and beliefs, ideas and emotions are entwined and you can’t have one without the other.

There are some feelings that we feel too much, and others we don’t feel enough. But even the feeling that feels too much can become distorted, such that they no longer seem to be our feelings at all. Feelings that feel too strong, too unbearable, like we can’t be with them or feel them alone. There are feelings that we need another to help us bear, some feelings cannot be felt alone.

There are many feelings that we just don’t want to know about. We might try to get rid of those feelings. Some feelings are so strong that people try and cope with them by getting very busy; they might try to escape, to get far away from them or to try and stay away from others. They may lock themselves away and not leave the house, try and avoid other people entirely. They might try to avoid feeling feelings around relationships, and by trying to manage by disconnecting from the world.

Sometimes one feeling covers another, so that a story may have been built to feel one feeling and not another. We might feel anger instead of sadness, or anxiety instead of grief, because for whatever reason, some feelings are harder to feel than others.

Many symptoms can be understood as ways of saying 'no' to feelings. Some people experience their feelings in their bodies. Some people’s minds collapse and fragment under the weight of their feelings, and reality becomes confusing. Others cut themselves because they can’t find the words for what they feel, or take substances to try and stop their feelings altogether. Some people seek intimacy with lots of people because it can be hard to find and keep hold of a certain kind.

How psychotherapy can help...

Through a process of psychotherapy we can begin to feel our feelings more clearly and more acutely. We can come to know something about them and understand them. We might even come to tolerate feelings we once thought we shouldn't or couldn't have at all. We may find we begin to have different feelings and deeper feelings, we may gather more freedom around our feelings. More freedom to feel how we really feel.

Psychotherapy is the work of feeling your feelings, of getting to know your feelings better. People often come to therapy saying they want to feel better and in a way that's right.

Further Reading

• What Is Psychodynamic Therapy?

• Do I Need a Diagnosis to Start Therapy?

About the Author

I'm a psychodynamic psychotherapist working in the Tavistock Trauma Service, and a private practice in Hackney, East London, and online. I am a member of the British Psychoanalytic Council (BPC) and abide by their codes of ethics. I hold a Master’s degree with distinction and am a Clinical Fellow of the Neuropsychoanalysis Association, as well as a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP).